WHY SNAILS ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT 

I'm not much of a gardener, but I enjoy having a garden.  My father was a big gardener and I remember planting a garden in the backyard when I was a kid.  Now I mostly grow a wide variety of weeds.  This year I tried to make gardening easier.  I planted potatoes, carrots and pumpkins.  To make the garden easy to weed I made wide rows that I can easily weed with my electric tiller.  This was going to be my best garden ever.

 

Apparently word got out because the snails moved in.  Yesterday I checked on the garden and one of the potato plants was eaten to the ground and there were snails everywhere.   The snails come out at night.  You can tell because they leave little trails all over the sidewalk and patio.  I couldn't poison them because it ruins the vegetables, so I jumped on the web and found out that you can kill them with a container of beer.  They crawl into the beer, get drunk, and die.  Since I've never had a beer it's probably the same thing that would happen to me.

 

Now I had to decide where I was going to get some beer.  I've never purchased beer before and doing so in Utah can be problematic if you want to stay in good standing with the local religion.  I decided to run over to the grocery store early in the morning where I could buy my snail killer and slip out unnoticed.

 

I got up early this morning and went to the store.  After buying a few groceries I found the beer isle and grabbed a box of beer.  At the store the only check out lines that were open were the self-checkout lines.  There were a bunch of people around but I didn't know any of them so I was good to go.  I scanned all of the grocery items first and saved the beer for last.  I scanned it and the register beeped and said it couldn't scan the beer.  I stood there puzzled for a moment when the attendant overseeing the self-checkout shouted at the top of her voice "Hey, you can't buy beer until 7:01, you'll have to wait a few minutes".   Everyone was staring at me and it was getting a little awkward.

 

Finally 7:01 came around and I was able to complete my purchase.  Now to make my get-away.  As I exited the store I met someone I knew.  I teach the 17 year old Sunday School class at church and who did I meet?  You guessed it, a member of the Sunday School presidency.  Since I had scanned the beer last it was sitting right on top of the grocery cart.  He glanced at the beer, looked up and me and said "Don't worry, I've got your back".  I tried to explain that the beer was for killing slugs in my garden and quickly told the story about how I couldn't buy it until 7:01am.  He was polite, but I'm sure he didn't believe me.   So if anyone wants to do something on Sunday I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some free time on my hands.

 

Then it dawned on me.  I now realized why snails come out at night.  They like beer, and can buy it during the daytime, but they can't buy beer in Draper until 7:01am -- so they are out at night looking for a cold brew.

 

07/01/2015 16:05PM UPDATE:  Just let the dog out back to do his business.  Didn't worry about the beer in the garden because our garden has a fence around it.  A few minutes later I looked out back to see the dog drinking the beer out of the snail traps.  I ran out back and called him and he had found a spot in the fence where he could squeeze and get into the garden.  Now I'm working on blocking his access and we've enrolled him in a 12-step program.
 

 

Bob Edwards is the sober (or so he claims) Founder and CEO of Comm One LLC which develops and sells Call Accounting Software for tracking telephone calls for business.  You can view more stories on the Comm One Blog at http://commonesoftware.blogspot.com or you can contact Bob directly at 801-523-9797 or bob@commone.com

My Theory of Everything

MY THEORY OF EVERYTHING
One of my favorite authors and speakers is a man named Michio Kaku.  He is an astrophysicist that often speaks on a unifying theory of physics commonly referred to as The Theory of Everything.   While advanced theories of physics are far beyond me he is able to describe complex concepts of physics in terms that I can understand.    While learning about physics is enjoyable for me,  I understand that I will never be able to contribute to this body of knowledge.   While thinking about this the other day it dawned on me that I have my own unifying theory of life.  My theory doesn’t simplify the competing theories in advanced theoretical physics,  but it does simplify being a Dad. My unifying theory of life is simply “7”.

HEY DAD?
Let’s start from the beginning.  When my two children were young they did with most children do and that is to ask a million questions.   For the first few years of their lives I dutifully answered every question as every father should.  As they got older communication with them became more difficult – especially when my answer to their question was “no” or “I don’t know”.   I don’t know when it happened but at some point along the way I just started answering those difficult questions by just saying “7”.  

KEYS TO SUCCESS
The key to using this type of reply with your children is to look earnest, keep a straight face, and to act like this really is your best answer to the question.   Kids are smart and they quickly caught on that when Dad answers a question with “7” he doesn’t want to talk about it. 

The tradition has continued to the point that I answer “7” without even thinking .

Dad, can I have $50?   “7”
Dad, can will you buy me a bullet bike?  “7”
Dad, what time do I have to be home tonight  “7”  Okay, wait, that one actually works.

Because both of my children are bright they adopted new tactics to get around my stupidity hoping that I wasn’t paying attention to the actual question. 

How many more rides can I go on before we have to leave the amusement park?
What time in the morning do I need to be home by?
How many of my friends are you going to fly to California for graduation?

A WORD OF CAUTION

While answering “7” to everything with my children has been fun over the years, my wife does not find it nearly as endearing.   Do not try this at home.  I am a trained professional.

PAYING IT FORWARD
Recently one of the women I work with pulled me aside and was expressed her frustration with her teenage son and intimated that maybe I had something to do with it.  Her son is a class member of a local volunteer youth group that I teach and when I arrive for class and they ask if I have treats with me I always answer “7”.  Her son was especially amused by this and for 2 solid weeks answered “7” to every single question she asked him.  I was so proud. 

7 – THE NEXT GENERATION
The most you can ever hope for while raising your kids or teaching youth groups is to be able to pass on a small tidbit of knowledge that is going to help them be successful in life.   Instead, I have taught them how to avoid difficult conversations with a stupid answer.   If you asked me if I feel guilty about that my answer would be “7” of course. 

For more on Michio Kaku please visit: www.mkaku.org
For more on the number 7 please watch Sesame Street

Bob Edwards is the Founder and CEO of Comm One LLC which develops and sells Call Accounting Software for tracking telephone calls for business.  You can view more stories on the Comm One Blog at http://commonesoftware.blogspot.com or you can contact Bob directly at 801-523-9797 or bob@commone.com 

You can't tell me I'm wrong on this one...

YOU CAN'T TELL ME I'M WRONG ON THIS ONE
     Many years ago when I was in my early 20's I lived in Japan with a couple of guys who were first cousins.  They were pretty good friends, but competed to be better than each other over just about everything.  One day they went out and purchased new wrist watches.  Electronics in Japan were inexpensive back then because of the exchange rate, and they both purchased very nice time pieces.  That's when all the fun began.  For days we kept asking them what time it was because they would both give a different answer and then attack each other maintaining that their watch had the correct time.  This went on for days until one morning we heard a scuffle followed by the cry "You can't tell me I'm wrong on this one, my watch is set to International Time".  I'm not sure what International Time had to do with it, but a fist fight broke out and we had to pull them apart before they killed each other.

     I remember thinking how silly they were to argue over what time it was.  I made a mental note at the time that I would never be so petty when faced with such a situation.  As I've gotten older I've come to understand that their argument had nothing to do with what time it was, and that avoiding those type of situations is easier said than done -- for me anyway.

WHO ARGUES OVER THE SOUND OF MUSIC?
     The first argument I lost after getting married happened quickly.  We were watching the movie The Sound of Music and about half way through the movie I turned to my new bride and commented on what a great actor Michael Caine was.  She burst out laughing and replied "You mean Christopher Plummer?"  I didn't know who Christopher Plummer was at the time, but I was 100% sure that Michael Caine was the actor that played the father of the von Trapp family in the movie.  Because this was the early 80's we didn't have a laptop or an iphone to quickly verify that information.

     As I was writing this article tonight I asked Siri the question:  "Was the actor Michael Caine in the movie The Sound of Music".  She replied "Sorry, I don't see any movies matching 'Sound of Music' starring Michael Caine."

     I then asked Siri who played Captain von Trapp in the Sound of Music.  She quickly popped up a list of websites with that information.

     In 1982 that type of information was difficult to easily obtain, and so the argument went on much too long.  It wasn't until weeks later when we saw one of them on another show that I had to admit that I was wrong.   Being wrong wasn't my biggest mistake.  Proving to my wife what an idiot I am was the larger crime.  Over the years being wrong has become a talent that I'm actually very good at.

THE FREEWAY ALPHABET GAME
     My in-laws live 800 miles away so we've spent many years driving long miles to attend family functions.  To pass the time we often used to play the Alphabet Game.  In the game you start with A and go to Z by finding the letters of the alphabet in road signs, billboards, license plates, on the side of trucks or anywhere you can find them outside the car.   For example, when you were looking for the letter P and you saw a sign that said "Pass Open" you would shout "P - Pass Open" and the other person couldn't use that letter.
     My wife used to slaughter me in the game until I became so upset one trip that I accused her of cheating.  There was no way she could read the letters when I couldn't even see the signs.   She would call out a letter and about 10 seconds later (at 70mph) I would finally see the sign she was calling out. The only logical explanation for this was obviously that she was cheating.  I just couldn't figure out how she was doing it.   Lamely she tried to explain her way out of the situation by claiming that I needed glasses, which of course was absolutely untrue.  My eyesight was 20/20 and it always would be.
     This went on for months until she challenged me to go get an eye exam and bet me $100 that I needed glasses.  We were still in school and I was dreaming about all of the things I could buy with $100, so I called and scheduled an eye exam.
     I don't know what my wife did with that $100 back then, but I didn't want to know.  In fact I didn't want to talk about it or ever play the alphabet game again.  Especially with someone who was such a big cheater.

HOW DO YOU DROWN A DUMB GUY?
     When my children were small we went boating at Willard Bay one weekend.  Towards the end of the day it was too hot on the boat, and the shore was about 200 feet away and I bet my wife that I could swim to shore.  She responded quietly with something like "Sure you can.." and I bragged to everyone on board about what a strong swimmer I was.  I don't remember for sure, but I'm guessing she just rolled her eyes.  I took off my life jacket and jumped in and swam, and swam, and swam. and swam, and swam.  After about what seemed like an eternity I shouted to the boat and asked them how much progress I was making and they responded that I was drifting in the opposite direction.  I finally gave up, started floating on my back and they pulled the boat over and fished me out of the water.

     I tried to explain my failure with some excuse about an undertow,  That was my lame attempt at an explanation anyway.  I don't remember how my wife reacted exactly.  My best recollection is that she mentioned something about being raised on a farm and that she was well aware of the fact that sometimes nature could find a way to cull the weak ones from the herd.

STICKS AND TWIGS ARE NOT FOOD, EVEN IF MANY PARTS ARE EDIBLE 
     For years my wife has eaten a much healthier diet than I have.  I have rewarded her efforts by quoting the old Euell Gibbons commercial by holding up her meal and joking that "many parts are edible".    This culminated a few weeks ago when I had tests done and found out that I am allergic to cows milk.  It explained a lot.  My wife had been trying for years to get me to try the soy milk that she had been drinking.  Now I was in a tight spot.   If soy milk didn't taste good, I couldn't have my morning bowl of Corn Chex cereal, and if it tasted good then she was right --- once again.   It turns out that Soy milk is actually delicious.  Given the choice I prefer it over cows milk.  Every time I walk in the kitchen now all I hear is "stick and twigs, sticks and twigs..."

THE SYMPATHY YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL DOWN THE STAIRS
     The problem with being a big tease and trying to prove that you're right all the time is that sometimes it can come back and bite you in the hind quarters -- literally.  When my daughter was having a sleepover with friends one weekend I got the bright idea of sneaking down the stairs in the dark at midnight to scare them.  Instead I slipped on the stairs and broke my back.
     Later I realized that my efforts to scare my daughter may not have been very effective since she and her friends slept through the noise from two fire trucks, an ambulance, and 2 cop cars -- all with sirens and lights blaring, not to mention all the racket they made hauling me out of the house and putting me in the ambulance.  My daughter and her friends slept through it all.
     A few days later my mother-in-law called to check on me.  She asked me how my accident happened.  I couldn't tell her the real story.  That wasn't any fun.  So I made up a story and told her that my wife had pushed me down the stairs.   I waited for my mother-in-laws reaction.  I was expecting her to say something like "My daughter would never do anything like that".  After about 20 seconds of silence I was getting worried.  Before I could explain my lie and tell her the real story she replied very quietly "It's about time!", and we both had a good laugh.

ALL MEN THINK THAT THEY ARE THE FONZ
     Back in the 70's there was an episode of the sitcom Happy Days where The Fonz made a mistake and had to admit that he was "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........".  He couldn't say the word "wrong" and kept getting stuck on the "R" sound.  Once I realized that staying married meant that I would have many opportunities to apologize to my wife, I quickly adopted the same phrase.  Now when I realize that I'm wrong, or when I don't realize it and need it skillfully pointed out to me, I turn to my wife, smile, and say "I'm sorry, I was Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....."  

My wife is a very forgiving person which explains why we are still married.

Bob Edwards is the Founder and CEO of Comm One LLC which develops and sells Call Accounting Software for tracking telephone calls for business.  You can view more stories on the Comm One Blog at http://commonesoftware.blogspot.com or you can contact Bob directly at 801-523-9797 or bob@commone.com 

When to declare a New Family Rule

One day years ago we received a phone call from a friend who was stranded with his wife on the freeway.  His car had just sputtered and died.   We weren’t very far away so we went to assist him.   We’ll call him Larry.  (That’s not his real name)  We hopped in the car and found them stopped in the emergency lane with the hood up.   I jumped out to go “help” him.    Bill Cosby once described a similar incident where he jumped out, lifted the hood, and that ended the extent of his knowledge about cars.  I’m a little bit worse.  I’m lucky if I can find the hood release latch.

Larry and I stared at the engine for a while.  I asked him if he ran out of gas – he said no.   I asked him when he had had the car serviced last.  Larry said he had owned the car for years and it had never needed service.   I asked about oil changes and he said “You’re supposed to change the oil?”  We checked the oil, and it had some, but it obviously needed an oil change.  Then we checked the only other think I can check on a car – the air filter.  When we pulled it off it was like emptying a vacuum bag accompanied by a big grey cloud of dust.    We banged the filter against a post, replaced it, and he was able to get the engine started.    I was feeling like a real man and trying to hide my relief that I had luckily stumbled on the solution.  Larry’s wife didn’t want to ride with him anymore so she rode with us back to our house.  My wife Alana drove.  Alana found the situation hilarious because she knew the only two things I was likely to be able to do under the hood of a car is get burned on something hot, or get cut on something sharp.

As we were driving back to our house Larry was following us and we lost him at a stop light.  It wasn’t very far from our house so we kept driving.  When Larry pulled into the driveway Larry was enraged.   He was furious that his car might have died again and that we had left him stranded.  He was having trouble speaking and mumbled something like “New family Rule!  When you are following someone in the car and the car in the back is broken the person in the front is supposed to wait and watch to make sure the person in the back makes it safely to the destination.”  That’s not word for word, but you get the idea.  Unfortunately the only thing we heard was the declaration “New Family Rule!”

I had been married for a couple of years and was completely unaware that a husband could unilaterally declare a new family rule that would somehow magically bind everyone in the family to follow it.  Apparently my wife Alana was well aware of it because when I tried to use it in the following weeks and months it didn’t work very well for me. 

In the following few weeks I tried to issue new family rules.

-          “New Family Rule -When I get home I want my dinner waiting on the table!”

-          “New Family Rule - I don’t have to be nice to your mother!”

-          “New Family Rule - I should not have to pick up my dirty clothes off the floor!”

None of my declarations went over very well.  Alright -- None of them worked at all.  Usually I couldn’t get through the sentence without bursting out laughing.

            The issue of the new family rule reared its ugly head again last weekend as we were returning from a wedding reception in Idaho for a neighbor where I set up my sound equipment and played music for the reception.  My daughter and granddaughter came with and they rode in the Jeep with my wife, and I drove the hatchback alone since there wasn’t room for passengers because of all the sound equipment.    When we left Idaho I told her I would follow her and even said “New Family Rule..” and we shared a chuckle and a smile. 

A few hours later as we were driving past Hill Air Force Base in Ogden heading south Alana all of a sudden started driving erratically.  Instead of going the speed limit she slowed down below 60 and was swerving and I did not understand why.  I figured the baby was fussing and my daughter must be turned around helping the baby and that Alana was distracted in all of the confusion.    She continued to drive erratically so I called and asked if everything was okay.  My daughter answered and said everything was fine.  I asked why they were going so slow and they said they were going the speed limit.   

That was when the battery on my phone went dead.  

           What I had failed to realize, and what my wife immediately realized was that she had passed a black jeep a few miles back that looked exactly like hers and that I had pulled in behind it thinking it was her.  They tried to call me back, but of course my phone was dead.

            I followed that Jeep for 30 miles until it exited the freeway in Farmington.  As it made a left turn at the top of the overpass  realized my mistake when I saw someone I did not recognize in the driver’s seat.

           When I finally got home my wife asked me how the New Family Rule's were working out for me.  She even declared a new family rule that “When one person is following another person on the freeway the following person should keep his cell phone plugged into the charger so that it doesn’t go dead and cause him to follow the wrong person on the freeway for miles.”

            So to anyone out there who has the courage I challenge you to declare your own New Family Rule.  In fact I would like to hear about them if you have a minute.

I'm done declaring New Family Rules.  I used to think they were funny, but today I hate them!


To share your own New Family Rule story, or to Taunt Bob about his, you can contact Bob at:

Bob Edwards
Comm One LLC
801-523-9797
bob@commone.com
http://www.commone.com

When it comes to Mother-In-Laws, It's always the End of The World

HELPING GRANNY WITH HER COMPUTER
     An odd thing happened this week.  My wife was visiting my Mother-In-Law (We call her Granny), and they needed me to login and check her machine for computer viruses.   As part of my regular job I log into hundreds of systems a month using LogMeIn Rescue.  The Rescue tool generates a random 6 digit number that the customer on the other end uses so I can login and take control of their computer. 

RANDOM NUMBER FOR LOGMEIN RESCUE
   As I generated the random code so I could log into Granny’s computer you can imagine my joy and amazement when the code came back as 666-911.  The number 666 is commonly associated in religion as the mark of the beast, or the devil’s number, and 911 has taken on a life of it’s own the past 15 years.

It’s the end of the world, and it’s an emergency.

FUN WITH GRANNY
     In order to fully understand my joy with the code 666-911, you need to understand a little more about my relationship with my Mother-In-Law.   I apologize in advance, but much of my interaction with my mother-in-law has been great fun and mostly inappropriate.    We love to give each other a bad time, we never take offense, and we find a lot of satisfaction in thinking up terrible things to do to each other.  I don’t know who enjoys it more, me or Granny.

SOME OF MY ANTICS WITH GRANNY
     If you don’t have a mother-in-law like mine then I feel sorry for you.  Here is a short list of the many fun experiences we have shared together.

• Taking a cue from my wife’s brother Scott, I have been known to hide Granny’s glasses in the fridge in the potato salad.
• One time while attending a church service in her town I stood up and congratulated her on her 88^th birthday.  She was in her early 70’s at the time.
• I’ve been known to tease Granny about a particular prominent physical attribute that she has.  I won’t say any more about that.
• I once called her house and pretended to be the local sheriff and told her told her that she had cows out on the highway.  She just about killed me when she found out it was me.
• Granny taught me how to cuss and say terrible things in Czech
• I once posted NO PARKING signs on posts in 5 gallon buckets on the driveway and up and down our street one morning when I knew she was coming to visit.
• I often tease her that when she dies I’m going to have a bronze mold made of my hand that I will slip into her coffin right before they close the lid at the funeral. 
• When we are shopping at the grocery store I have been known to talk really loud so everyone can hear and say things like “Did you remember your teeth?”  (Granny doesn’t wear dentures)

I WANT TO BE A FARMER
     My wife’s family has given me grief my whole life for being a city boy.  They can all fix just about anything that moves, and me --- not so much.  Years ago I heart that there might be a job opening on the farm.   I sent Granny  poem as a job application. 

I Wanna be a Farmer
by Bob Edwards / Copyright© 1998

I wanna be a farmer,
and plant stuff in the ground,
I got my Dodge,
 I’m in the club,
I love to drive around.

I wanna be a farmer,
I’ve got the city blues,
And I’ll do anything you ask,
If it doesn’t soil my shoes.

I wanna be a farmer,
I’m sure that cows is great,
Except the smell,
They leave behind,

I don’t appreciate.

I wanna be a farmer,
Won’t never break a sweat,
Just sittn’ round’
And watch stuff grow,
Is really fun I bet.

I wanna be a farmer,
I think, I think I can,
If you need a guy,
Who don’t know $&@#t,
Then darlin’ I’m your man.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

GRANNY’S GETTING UP THERE
     I’m not sure of Granny’s actual age, but it must be in triple digits by now.   We’ve had a lot of fun together, and the fact that she hasn’t killed me yet is a testament to her virtue, patience and kindness.   When the day comes that she leaves us it will truly be a 666-911 situation.   She will be off raising 666 hell somewhere else, and it will be a 911 emergency for those of us left behind.

Bob Edwards
Comm One LLC
801-523-9797
bob@commone.com
http://www.commone.com

For more information on how Comm One Call Accounting Software can help you track calls for your business please contact me.

How I broke my Doorbell --- On Purpose

     There is nothing worse than putting a child down for a nap, in my case my granddaughter, and having somebody ring the doorbell and wake her up.   It’s fine if it’s Publishers Clearinghouse telling you that you just won $5000 a week for life, but when it’s someone who has ignored the no soliciting sign on your door and wants to sell you magazines, cookie dough, knives, or a new alarm system, it’s sometimes difficult to be pleasant.  When my children were young it used to happen all the time.  I'm older and wiser now.   I solved the problem by installing a simple on/off switch to disable our doorbell.

RANDOM DOORBELL RINGING AT NIGHT

     If you live in an established neighborhood with a bunch of teenage boys, and you like to tease them, and the result of your verbal assault on their intellect, or lack thereof, is that your doorbell often rings mysteriously at all hours of the night, then I have got something for you.   

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW EXCEPTION

     I’m told that it also works when you see your mother-in-law pulling into the driveway and you flip the switch to turn off the doorbell and then run downstairs and hide in the basement  and pretend that you are not home.  To be clear, “I was told” that it works for that, but I don’t have any personal experience in this area.  The reason is that there is a note that my wife put in my wallet, and she occasionally makes me take out and read to her.  This note says that my mother-in-law is a kind, caring, shy, and generous women, and that I should always treat her with kindness and respect.   So obviously the doorbell switch could never be used on her.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

     Most doorbells are low voltage and you can tell because the wires are tiny and thin like phone low voltage phone wiring.  If for some odd reason your doorbell uses larger wire, or you are not 100% sure what you're doing then you should consult a professional.   Please remember that I am not a professional.  If you're also not a professional you should consult one before you attempt this.  Also, leaving your doorbell disabled may not be the best idea if you live in a flood plane, live in tornado alley, you are expecting a late night drug raid by the local police department, or there is some other urgent reason why someone may want to ring your doorbell and wake you up at night.  If you decide to make this modification, THEN YOU DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.   I won't be held responsible for any chaos that results including if the widow who lives down the street decides to bake cookies for you but you never get them because you never heard her ring the doorbell.  At our house we have resolved this issue by installing a wireless camera above the front porch with motion detection.  Whenever anyone walks on the porch we have a portable screen that beeps to let us know that someone is at the door, and it shows us who it is.  We can then decide if we want to answer the door.  That way I can have a sleeping baby and still have opportunities to eat the neighbor’s cookies, and as a bonus we never miss a visit from my mother-in-law.

Here are the steps I took to install the on/off toggle switch:

1. First I drilled a whole in the bottom of the doorbell cover which was mounted high on the wall in the hallway of the main floor.   I made sure that the hole was large enough for the switch to fit through, but small enough that I could secure it with the accompanying nut. 

2. Next I purchased a simple toggle on/off switch from Radio Shack for $3.49.  Here is a link to the switch on the Radio Shack Web Page:  http://www.radioshack.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2062494.  Most stores stock this switch if you don't want to wait for shipping.  Any low voltage toggle switch should work.

4. I then installed the switch by taking off the mounting screw, pushing the switch through the whole that I had drilled, and securing the switch by replacing the mounting screw on the inside of the doorbell cover.  The wood cover on our doorbell was too thick so I had to hollow out the back and make it thinner in order to get the nut on the back of the on/off toggle switch.

5. The best place to wire the on/off switch is in-line with one of the two wires that goes from your doorbell out to your doorbell button.  Usually these will be the two wires that go from the doorbell into the wall and eventually out to the doorbell button.  These are usually the two wires that go from inside your doorbell back through the wall and eventual to the button on your front porch.  Select one of these two wires, cut it, and connect each end to one of the two terminal ends on the on/off toggle switch.  I used a soldering iron to secure the connection.  When the switch is in the OFF position the doorbell can't ring because the circuit out to the switch by the front door is broken.  When it is set to the ON position then the electrical circuit is complete and the doorbell rings normally.

It's an easy and inexpensive upgrade to the doorbell, but well worth the few minutes that it takes to install it. If you try this and have any questions please feel free to contact me.

IN THE EVENT OF ANY TROUBLE

     If you try this on your own and you get it wrong, then please remember you were warned.  If you cause property damage, miss an important visitor, get in trouble, miss out on a neighbor bearing delicious gifts, or you forget the note in your wallet that encourages you to be kind to your mother-in-law, then you are on your own and I would ask that you direct all of your concerns. complaints, and anger towards my Brother-In-Law Jerry who has nothing to do with this.   If you don't already know Jerry please contact me and I will send you his contact information.  (You're welcome Jerry...)

May your children, grandchildren, and shift-working family members sleep long and prosper.

Bob Edwards can be contacted by sending an email to bob@commone.com, or he can often be found in his basement hiding from his mother –in-law who can’t figure out why no one is answering the door.  This post is for entertainment purposes only.  You should not start cutting wires on your doorbell (or on anything else for that matter), unless you know what you're doing or have consulted a professional.

The Day I Almost Met Paul McCartney and James Taylor

     When you live in Utah you have many opportunities to meet celebrities.   I'm not a star chaser, but I've had a few encounters with the rich and famous over the years.  I've also almost had a few encounters with others.  These types of encounters make good dinner table conversation when you run out of things to talk about.  Lets start from the beginning.

     There are 3 types of encounters with the rich and famous.  There is the "I saw them", "I met them", and the "I almost met them".   An interesting  part of these meetings is that while they can be memorable for us, the person we meet usually remembers nothing about the encounter.

Telly Savalas -

     When I was in elementary school  we went on vacation and visited Universal Studios in California.   Halfway through the studio tour actor Telly Savalas walked out of a building, jumped into a limo, and zoomed off around the corner.  I had gotten a camera for Christmas that year and got a photograph of his bald head.  I was so pleased ------ until I got back to school in the fall, told about my adventure, and found out that it was a Telly Savalas look alike, and that everyone that took the tour that summer saw him.

Bryan Adams -

     My daughter Tessa loves Bryan Adams and the two of us started traveling to his concerts when she turned 16.  We went to concerts in Lincoln NE, Boise ID, Modesto CA, and Seattle WA.  At one concert we will walking towards the venue when the tour bus came driving by with Bryan Adams hanging out one of the side windows.  He was going slow enough to shout out to the fans and wave.   My daughter was very pleased that we were able to be so close to him, and that he smiled and waved at her.

Meredith Baxter -

     While visiting Park City one winter for dinner we saw Meredith Baxter walking her children in a stroller down the other side of the street.

Harrison Ford -

     While visiting one of my customers, NBC Studios in Burbank, I was taken on a private tour of the Studio and got to walk through a bunch of show sets, stand in front of the Tonight Show stage, walk down the hall where the private dressing rooms are, and visit the Green Room where guests wait before they go on the show.  That afternoon there weren't any tickets to see the show so they arranged for me to sit in one of the control booths.  Harrison Ford was the main guest that evening.

The next type of encounters with the Rich and Famous are the kind where you actually get to meet them.  Here are my "I met them" encounters.

Reese Stein - Outdoor Reporter

I served on a committee briefly with Reese Stein of Channel 2 news helping organize and plan a cub scout troup for the local homeless shelter.

Bill Gephardt - Consumer Reporter

     I stood behind Bill Gephardt the consumer reporter in line at a local Chinese Restaurant while we waited to be seated.  We chatted briefly and had a polite conversation.

Marc Eubank - Meteorologist

     I waited in line for a movie in Bountiful, UT with Marc Eubank the Weatherman for KSL Channel 5.  We also had a polite conversation, and yes I probably embarrassed my wife.

Dick Norse - News Anchor

     I spoke briefly with Dick Norse the long time anchor of Channel 5 news at a 7-11 one evening while I was getting a slurpee.

Dave Fox - Sports Reporter

    I once helped coach a Lacrosse camp put on by Dave Fox the Channel 2 Sports Reporter.

Lucky Severson & Rick Majerus on a Plane

     While I've flown almost a million miles the past 30 years, I've only flown first class a few times.   One time I sat next to Lucky Severson a national reporter, and another time I sat by Rick Majerus the basketball coach.   We had nice conversations and they were a lot of fun to talk to.

Coach LaVell Edwards

     While he is related to me and named after my Grandfather, I had never met Coach Edwards until we were having dinner at the Mandarin Chinese Restaurant in Bountiful, UT and he was in line waiting for dinner one evening.   I introduced myself, told him who I was, and we had a nice conversation.

Robert Redford

     One summer we were at Sundance Ski Resort taking photographs for a school group I was participating in and Robert Redford walked by.  He stopped and shook all of our hands and we spoke briefly with him.

Marie & Jay Osmond

     When I was 11 or 12 I attended a small private church service where my father conducted, my mother led the singing and I played the Piano.  Among the 20 or so people attending were Marie and Jay Osmond.   So I guess technically I could claim that I accompanied Marie Osmond while she sang at a private gathering when I was 12.  

Last of all, here are my "Almost met them" encounters.

Paul McCartney -- Almost...

     One time when I was visiting NBC Studios the phone guy said we should take a walk, and that I should act cool, not point, and not draw attention to us.  We walked outside the NBC Commissary across the street from the Tonight Show Studio and he said we should wait there for a minute.   I asked why, and he said to not ask questions and that we weren't supposed to stalk "the talent".    A moment later a limo drove up and Paul McCartney got out.  He was going to be a guest on the Tonight Show that evening.  I asked what happens next and was told to be cool, sometimes we get to meet "the talent".   One of the women we were waiting with yelled over for Paul and asked him to come and speak with us.  He stopped, waved, yelled hello, and walked into the Tonight show sound stage.   I didn't get to meet him, but it's the closest I've ever ben to a Beatle.

James Taylor -- Almost…

     For my last encounter, I have my wife to thank for keeping me for making a fool of myself.  Since I was a young , James Taylor was my favorite music artist.  I was given a Fire & Rain album by my Aunt and I listened to that album until I had every inflection and every word memorized.   I saw JT in concert a couple of times and really enjoyed it.  One year he came in concert to Salt Lake City and for some reason that I don't remember we didn't get concert tickets.  Either they were sold out or we couldn't afford them, or both.   At the time my wife was working on the heart team at LDS Hospital. 

     A few weeks after the concert she tells me an interesting story that quickens my heart rate.  Apparently James Taylor had a daughter that attended college with the daughter of one of the Surgeons that my wife worked with at the hospital.  When the doctor heard that James Taylor was coming to down they invited him to stay at their home instead of getting a hotel.  He accepted that invitation and spent the evening at the physicians home.  I asked my wife why she waited until weeks after the concert to tell me and I told her I could have run right over there to meet him.   She  told me that the reason was she hadn't told me was because she was sure I would run right over to meet him.

     So while I was sad that I didn't meet him, I'm also grateful that I didn't run over and make a fool of myself.  I've got the rest of my life to do that.

Bob Edwards is owner of Comm One LLC which develops and sells Comm One Call Accounting Software for tracking telephone calls for business.  You can view more stories on the Comm One Bog at http://commonesoftware.blogspot.com or you can contact Bob directly at 801-523-9797 or bob@commone.com

My Top-10 Favorite Places to Eat in the World

Over the past 23 years my work with Comm One has taken me all over the world.  One of my favorite things about traveling is the food.   I would like to share with you my top 10 favorite restaurants based on my travels.  Here are my favorites:

(10) World's Best Fish & Chips

Swizzle Inn Pub & Restaurant
Bailey's Bay Bermuda

     When I traveled to Bermuda the first time to install Call Accounting for the International Airport, I didn't realize that the people of Bermuda take dressing up seriously.   Being a computer guy who works remotely most of the time my wardrobe mainly consists of cargo shorts and t-shirts.  Because I was traveling I took Levi's and button down shirts with me thinking that was all I would need while I was there. 

     I was wrong.  Apparently if you want to get served in a restaurant in Bermuda, especially in the evening, you have to be dressed up.  I found this out when I tried to eat at the hotel restaurant where I was staying and they refused to seat me because I was underdressed.   (Clothing and Attire in Bermuda )

      After speaking to the locals and having them roll their eyes, shake their heads, and say something disparaging about Americans I was told that I could eat at most of the pubs and that the dress code did not usually apply.   I ate at a number of establishments there, but my favorite by far was the Swizzle Inn Pub & Restaurant.   It is a small place, but the food was some of the best I've ever had.  Fish and Chips were my favorite by far.   On the weekend they had a live Zydeco Band playing on the front patio.    If you are ever in Bermuda, especially if you're in shorts and a T-shirt and want a great meal I highly recommend the Swizzle Inn Pub and Restaurant. -- Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(9) World's Best Hamburgers

Max & Erma's

Columbus, OH

     My east coast travels used to take me through Cincinnati quite often since it is a Delta Hub.   Whenever I needed to go north to Cleveland or elsewhere I would usually fly into Cincinnati and rent a car and drive north through Columbus.    One of my resellers based in Columbus took me to Max & Erma's in the German Village one trip.  If you've never been to the German Village it has cobblestone streets and a real German flare.  It isn't as Bavarian as Leavenworth Washington, but you do understand that you are not in Kansas anymore. 

     The restaurant was set up so that all the booths and tables were cozy and intimate which is what I like.  The wait staff was very friendly and easy to talk to.  I like it when they seem like they are not in a hurry.  The burgers were to die for.  You can view the MENU here and see what I mean.   At the time I didn't realize that Max & Erma's was a chain restaurant.  It didn't have that feel to it.  If you're ever in Columbus, I highly recommend it -- Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(8) World's Best Student Bakery

Chief Academy Cafe and Bakery
Moses Lake, WA

     I have a soft spot in my heart for the Chief Academy Café' in Moses Lake Washington because I think the restaurant program they have put together is what High School should be about -- learning life skills.  The café and bakery are staffed by students from Moses Lake High School and surrounding schools..   The students run the show from planning the menu, purchasing the food, preparing the food, serving the food, etc.   They are also responsible for running the business end of things so that they can experience what running a business is like.  They are learning critical life skills which they are able to use regardless of where life eventually takes them.  It isn't just a fast food job like many high school students have.  The students are in charge and learn management skills, organization skills, and learn to work together in a way that is unusual for High School. 

     The best part of the whole deal is that the food is amazing.  At first I expected fancy school lunch but I was incorrect.   The food they serve is delicious and in some cases better than what you find in surrounding restaurants.  Students in the program have traveled nationwide and won culinary awards, and a some of them have gone on to nationally recognized restaurant and cooking schools.  -- Bob Edwards- Draper, UT -  01/27/2014

(7) World's Best Ramen

Sapporo Train Station
Sapporo, Hokkaido Japan

     I lived in Sapporo when I was 20 for a while which is where I learned to speak Japanese.   My most favorite Japanese dish was a Ramen -- of any kind.   These are not the Instant Ramen's that you may have eaten in college, these are big bowls of meat , vegetables and seaweed in a soy base that makes them delightful.  One of my favorite Ramen shops is in the food court of the shopping mall connected to the Sapporo Train Station in Sapporo Japan.  I visited Sapporo a few years ago and ate ramen again with friends and it was just as delicious as I remember it.  おかげでラーメン用の村上様。大変美味しかったです。我々はすぐに再び一緒にラーメンを食べる必要があります。  Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(6) World's Best Borscht

Yerevan, Armenia

     I had never eaten a red beet on purpose until I traveled to Yerevan Armenia in the mid 90's to install Call Accounting Software for the Armenian Telephone Company.    At the time Armenia was still trying to recover from the break up of the Soviet Union, and the big focus appeared to be getting services such as electricity, water,  and phones to be more reliable.  I was there as part of that effort working with Armenian phone company.   That was when I tasted Borscht for the first time.   We were working so we didn't have time to prepare our own food so we ate at restaurants for lunch and the phone company hired a woman cook an evening meal for us each night at our apartment.   We ate many different variations of Borscht while we were there, and they were all delicious.  -- Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(5) World's Best Seafood

Castaway's Seafood Grille

Long Beach, Washington

     Long Beach Washington is one of the few places on earth where the whole community is dog friendly.  It's a little beach community north of Astoria Oregon and a few miles north of where the Columbia River enters the Pacific Ocean.  A few years ago I went there to do a software installation for a hotel around the 4th of July and they invited me to bring my puppies.  So my wife and I drove to Long Beach Washington with our two dogs LuLu (Standard Schnauzer) and Badger (Fox Terrier).   To our surprise not only did the hotel welcome pets, the town of Long Beach has a dog parade every year on the 4th of July. 

     We went down town to find a place for lunch and were surprised to see everyone walking their dogs around -- hundreds of them.   In old western movies there are usually wooden posts in front of the saloon where cowboys can tie up their horses.  In Long Beach Washington there are posts in front of the restaurants where people can tie up their dogs while they go in and have lunch.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  We had left our dogs at the hotel because we didn't realize how friendly town was.

    We wandered around the restaurants (it's a very small town) and decided on the Castaway's Seafood Grille.   We were not disappointed.  The seafood was fresh, delicious, and there were a lot of choices on the menu.   Best of all it wasn't all that expensive. 

    If you ever have a chance  to visit Long Beach (Washington not California), especially over the 4th of July, I highly recommend it.   Badger says five woofs…   Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(4) World's Best Cajun Jambalaya

Cheesecake Factory

Chevy Chase Pavilion, Washington DC

     I have eaten at Cheesecake Factory restaurants all over the country, but the Cajun Jambalaya at the Cheesecake Factory in the Chevy Chase Pavilion is different.  All Cheesecake Factories are good, but this restaurant was outstanding.   My Jambalaya was spicy but not too hot,  and full of shrimp, meat, vegetables and noodles in near perfect combinations.  I've tried it at other Cheesecake Factory restaurants, but it's never the same.  -- Bob Edwards -- Draper, UT  01/27/2014

(3) World's Best BBQ

Sean's Smokehouse BBQ & Grill

Saratoga Springs, UT

     When it comes to BBQ I'm pretty picky.  I like my BBQ Ribs a little overcooked, sweet and tangy, my BBQ Chicken moist and tender so it falls apart when you pick it up, my Brisket tender and moist, my mashed potatoes hot, creamy and buttery, and my potato salad a little crunchy.   Sean's Smokehouse is my favorite BBQ place because everything they serve us just how I like it.  They don't try to get fancy.  They prepare BBQ like BBQ is supposed to be prepared.   Fortunately they are only 20 miles away so I can eat there occasionally unlike many other restaurants on this list.   I have never been disappointed!  Bob Edwards - Draper, UT - 01/27/2014

(2) World's Best Cookie 

Mrs. Backer's Pastry Shop 

Salt Lake City, UT

Banana Nut Cookie

     I don't dare guess what Mrs. Backer puts in her famous Banana Nut Cookies, but I find them extremely addictive.  They are a little like banana bread only lighter in color and they have the texture of a pumpkin cookie.   Between the cookie, the banana, the nuts and the delicious white tangy frosting eating one of these cookies for me is pure heaven.

Bob Edwards - Draper, UT- 01/27/2014

(1) World's Best Steak

Million Dollar Cowboy Steakhouse

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

     When you think about a cowboy bar that John Wayne may have liked to visit, this is it.  The rustic Million Dollar Cowboy Bar in Jackson Hole Wyoming takes you back 200 years to when the west was actually wild.    I haven't been to too many restaurants with menu choices like: 

• Bacon Wrapped Elk and Foie Gras Stuffed Jalapeno Peppers
• Italian Buffalo Ravioli
• Duck Toast
• Blackened Elk Lettuce Wraps
• Smoked Elk Lettuce Wraps
• Prarie Harvest Bison Rib Eye
• Prarie Harvest Elk Filet
• Buffalo Pot Roast

     I sat at the bar one time waiting for a table and the chef started bringing out little plates of things to try.  I'm guessing he thought from my "girlish-figure" that I must love food.  He was right.   I think I had samples of almost everything on the MENU and it was all delicious.   I'm not always a fan of wild game, and usually prefer beef steak and potatoes.  My first visit changed all that.   My only complaint was that after sampling much of the menu while sitting at the bar I had a difficult time deciding on a single entrée.  Next time you're in Jackson Hole, you should try it.  Bob Edwards - Draper, UT  - 01/27/2014

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Bob Edwards is owner of Comm One LLC which develops and sells Comm One Call Accounting Software for tracking telephone calls for business.  You can view more stories on the Comm One Bog at http://commonesoftware.blogspot.com or you can contact Bob directly at 801-523-9797 or bob@commone.com

True Story of a 13 year old girl who made a crank call to my office.

01/23/2014 DRAPER, UT  If a 13 year old girl is going to make a crank call, she probably shouldn't randomly dial my office number. A number of years ago I arrived at work and the company operator was almost in tears. She described a voice mail message that had been left in her voice mail, and went on to explain how upsetting it was to her. I couldn't understand how a voice mail -- any voice mail -- could be that upsetting so I took a listen.

The voice mail was disgusting. It went beyond what you would consider a prank call, was littered with vulgarity, and threatened bodily harm in very explicit terms. I made a few crank calls when I was a kid of the "is your refrigerator running" variety, but this message was different. I was stunned. The operator asked me what kind of a person would leave that kind of voice mail, and I told her we should find out. So I pulled call records for that night from our Call Accounting Software and there was an incoming call with Caller ID that matched the date and time of the voice mail.

Because of the graphic nature of the phone call we decided to phone the police and file a report. They sent an officer over and he too was disturbed by the phone call. He apologized and said that this was one of the worse calls he had ever heard, but that there was no way he could track down who had done it. I smiled and handed him the Call Detail Report with the caller id, and showed him how the date and time matched up to the voice mail message. The officer burst out laughing.

He said that this changed everything and that he would call me back. The call we had received was from a local number in our same city. The office must have driven right over there because I received a telephone call from him about 2 hours later. He was chuckling and said he just had a very interesting visit at the home that the call was made from. He told me that he knocked on the door and the father of the home answered. The officer explained why he was there and the guy apparently went pale and started shaking. The previous day was his 13 year old daughter's birthday and they had given her a telephone for her room, and she had a sleep-over that night with a couple of her friends. The girl admitted to making a bunch of similar calls and the Dad was not pleased.

The officer thanked me for calling him, and said that we didn't need to press charges. He was sure that the Dad was going to take care of the problem.

Bob Edwards
Comm One LLC
801-523-9797
bob@commone.com
http://www.commone.com

For more information on how Comm One Call Accounting Software can help you track calls for your business please contact me.